Gain & Loss

The last two weeks were tough, with Exams & Elections both coming fast to hit hard, i got knocked down by both. But, at the end of the day, i got to learn a lot. Whatever comes your way has its own positives & negatives, sometimes you see the positive side more than the negative and sometimes its the other way round. What stays with you are the memories and the experience that you gain, getting a feel of the infinite possibilities, which widens your horizon of thinking. One thing that i learnt is that, having attachment with something you can't get or won't get, brings a lot of pain, and that's what is counted as Loss. If only you can sit back & watch the situation with no preconceived notions, you'll see that there's no point to be sad about, the pressure is just in your head. You'll start to see that silver lining, if you look with patient & calm view. One does face a lot of bad situations, what count is how fast you get over it and how well do you learn your lessons.
After all this, one should continue to do what one truly wants to do because that's the second thing that remains. Our interests, wants, desires give us some purpose, something to pursue. One get up from one's temporary defeat to achieve what one truly wants. You are defeated only when you give up, & you should also be careful about your egoistic response because an egoistic response may further take you down that dark alley, through which you didn't want to go in the first place. You can Gain a lot from everything, if only you are open to it.

The Mind & Me

Since the last few days, i have been thinking about a couple of things, but what i have finally decided is that i write something that i have observed about my mind, which (as i have come to realize) might be the case of a lot of people out there.
It is the very nature of the mind to remain out of control, to jump here and there from one thought to another, like the monkey jumping from one tree to the next one. Its the seemingly endless number of temptations that never let the mind remain static. Sometimes it seems the mind has a train of thoughts lined up for me to address, and all of them generate a different feeling and the mostly of the time its the feeling of worry that stays for the longer duration ( most of the time until that issue is resolved). Also, i have realized that worry is one the most useless emotion, because it doesn't make me feel good, and its stays with me when i'm not exactly in a position to do the task. And so, it does cause some serious damage by keeping my mind engaged in the infinite number of possible outcomes , trying to figure out the worst case scenario and the amount of loss i would incur. It does take some time but the mind eventually understands the futility of thinking that way,and its always better to think positive, it doesn't drain the mind off its precious energy required to do my work with optimum performance.
I'm not my mind (i read that in the scriptures), and yet i haven't been able to perform this simple task of controlling it. Simple is illusory, but its not like the Mount Everest, the task is achievable.Well, there are certain techniques which might help in bringing the mind in control but the mind doesn't want to be in control and so, it tries every trick to keep me itself away from those techniques, and most of the time the mind successful in its malicious intentions, you see that, its a vicious circle pulling me away from taking the right steps.
Yep, the mind deserves a break but it is the intrinsic nature of it, that it doesn't want to. A calm and composed mind always performs better that a mind full of clumsiness and clutter. I do provide my mind with a break everyday when i off to sleep but even then my mind remains partially active. A number of times, i deprive it off its quota of rest by sleeping for fewer hours (i deprive my body from rest too), & so i've come to understand that it needs some conscious rest. Moreover, the conscious rest also provides with the desired level of control, i'm back to square one, the mind doesn't want to.
It definitely requires some courage to choose the right track and surge ahead. I just hope i'm able to find that, right in time.

Conform

Life can be adventurous, even if you don't ask for it. Its kind of rare when i ask for it. Yep, i'm not fit, which i indicated in my previous post, but still i am mad enough to walk 10 kilometers at a stretch thinking about stuff. I was not alone, but my mind was free from the chit-chat of my friends around me. Yes, friends are an indispensable part of our lives, you just can't go without them. As i followed them through the night, what i found was that i really did not like the idea of walking across delhi, i kept quiet & kept telling myself i needed to conserve energy, so that i belong. It didn't feel bad when i did not belong but its a different dimension all together. Well, coming back to the walk, i kept looking around, trying to make sense out of things i saw; Trees, footpath, small pillars, the boundary wall, the houses, the high rising building & i started thinking what i wanted in life, & i didn't really want the big material things. Then, the next question, what do i want in life......no answer. I still kept walking, & i didn't really get to know when my friends got tired because they showed no signs of fatigue, they weren't really ready to give up. I had all my focus on myself, still kept walking, then there was a sudden outburst of rage, which i contained with expertise. I had the practice of controlling anger, but then why did i have a mood swing, what was wrong with me? while pondering over these questions, i tried to understand the nature of emotions. The mood swing was not justified, i didn't really protest against the idea which came up over a discussion of 15 minutes, i didn't take a stand that i didn't want to go, i just kept quiet while i had the chance to speak. & within a few seconds, i was directing all my rage onto myself. I started walking fast, my friends were behind me trying to catch up. & while walking ahead i understood the nature of my EGO. Its one of the most dangerous things, and so i didn't fuel it. After 30 minutes brisk walk , i gave up and so, my friends also accepted that they were tired and would not be able to walk any further, even though we were still quite far from the destination. At the end of it, my mind had become numb, i couldn't really think or speak much. Throughout the journey, i did understand quite a few things...

Recovery

At some point of time in your life, you do fall ill (if you are not that fit kind of a person, & if you do like to push yourself to the limit). I push myself whenever i get a chance, & sometimes i wish to fall sick, gives you a break. Falling sick doesn't mean acquiring an incurable disease or doing some permanent damage to yourself, what it refers to is some fever with sore throat and lots of physical weakness, some mental too. During that period, when you're glued to the bed and can't leave it even if you want to. You see people around you going to places you can't go, but you really wanted to go & enjoy with them.
I felt most of it while i got sick recently after 2 gruelling weeks. The bright side of the story- i felt it was all very necessary. It gave me time to take rest and recover, gave me time to think about myself; my past, present, future. I got a chance the review my past, heal & recover in the present, prioritize for the future. I got a chance to bring myself on the right track. Best of all, i got a break i really wanted to take. I do hated every minute of suffering, i do cursed myself for w anting to permanently staying on bed, i hated to bring myself sp much misery but i wanted all this when i was up and jumping. But slowly, taking the pills and food regularly, i recovered fully, started to jump with life, started to see things in a different perspective, in a way that i noticed things that didn't really matter, appreciating nature for a start; healing does change your perception towards the world. Change is the only permanent thing.